little people

little people- little thoughts- little waves and little pots.  hoping the madness in my mind will silence itself today without clouding my sunny skies to gray- sweet smells and sweet tales of longing days to come- memories of beautiful passed me by to settle down in the bottom of a rye and coke. sitting calmly among the oaks i realize how nature is anything but still here- the squirrels bark and chase each other- the acorns crack and pop as they fall from their tree top roosts and the leaf rain is like crumpled paper falling through the sky.  like wishing on a star i'm seeing the sky through the canopy of leaves and wishing on the blue above- wishing for the make-believe world i fantasize about to become my reality.  sometimes i'm so close- with our thoughts we make the world- and then my thoughts go haywire and i'm feeding a raging fire- haven't we been here before- on this train rambling through the country side blowing smoke and making noise while barreling down the tracks...

unknown depths

shadows of unknown answers to unnecessary questions nibble at my mind creating disturbances that ripple through my being.  fighting to be still but in that fight i create more waves of doubt.  knowing the trick~ just simply breathe and let it be, but years of conditioning, of being taught to move, of creating chaos in my own wake makes this a difficult challenge.  there is a chasm of difference between knowing and doing.  Trying is a form of Doing but the shift in perspective between the two is almost immeasurable.  if you think you're Trying you allow room for failure- when you know that in that attempt you are Doing- you create the circumstances for success.  This is my vow for today:  To Do~ to Be~ to find the stillness that carries inner calm and to pour my love into my soul, fill my heart and let it overflow out into the world with the knowledge that as my cup pours over i'll have it returned ~ soaking me in quenching emotion. 

self talk

Knife in hand, I'm mindful of the cool breeze on my neck coming in the kitchen window behind me, Slicing onion paper thin as tears drip down the skin of my cheek, Cucumber cool and fresh reminds me that the new day lays before me ready to be consumed.  I'm raw and awake.  The sun hangs lazy on the horizon painting the sky pink as it climbs slowly out of bed to greet us.  I feel the sway of my hips as I walk, the breeze through the fine hairs on my cheeks, the solid ground beneath my feet.  I feel the beat of my forceful, tender heart as I breathe deeply the serenity of my soul.  Moment to moment I'm reminded of lessons of my past that I must actively apply or be forced to learn again.  Continuously amazed how environment affects choices, attitude and mood.  How something as simple as a smell can provoke memories and tickle fantasy.  Knowing that my truth lives in my soul and doing my best to live it outloud.  Renewing my vows to love me for me, to be generous and kind and forgiving, to be true and indulge in the things that make me happy and complete. 

contemplations...

so much has been whirling in my head- all of the things he said- all the things i wanted to hear and didn't.  haunted by the past and knowing it needs to be conquered to move into my future.

started this one in February and never came back to it... totally forgot about it- whoops :(

my top 10 of 2010

10. Love is Letting Go of Fear- I had heard a friend once say that there are only two emotions: love and fear.  it rang true with me.  I thought of that statement often in the next few months.  I then asked a long time childhood friend for help writing my resume.  He agreed, but first he had something for me.  He knocked on the door a few days later with a small book that literally changed my life.  The book was Love is Letting Go of Fear and the friend was Mark Ostach.  His sister Meghan was the friend that had said there were only two emotions first opening my mind to the idea.  I learned that my path was continuing to move forward.  It’s not only positive thought that creates our world but understanding that Love is the intention.  When we operate from love our world opens and blooms and thrives.  When we allow our fears to overpower the love, the dark shadows consume and eat away at the sanity and the positive energy and it affects everyone around us.  I am so thankful for the Ostach’s for their friendship through the years and for opening my eyes to see what was clearly in front of me.  It’s a gift that won’t be forgotten.

9.  Age ain’t nothin’ but a thang-  in college i discovered the warehouse underground of Detroit.  I had been clubbing since i was able to drive and LOVED dancing.  I’ve been dancing since i was three but always to my own drum.  The pounding bass lines and the synth of the underground moved my soul and brought me closer to my God.  it was a tribal experience that words can’t explain.  Going to those dark, dirty parties with the amazing people, sounds and lights was like coming home.  I then graduated and started working, got married and had babies... can’t be out all night dancing when you’re trying to be a “responsible adult”.  I have had a few moments that have brought me back to the edge of the world I've so dearly missed but in November I was fortunate to get back to those roots.  Shazzam 4   was a party in Detroit like the parties i was going to in the late 90’s.  the vibe was positive and happy, the line-up was killer and the emotions it stirred were incredible.  I learned that I'm never going to be too old to dance until dawn.  I learned that it’s something i can’t go totally without.  I learned that my soul needs a good quenching every know and then and a good dose of the underground is the only way to get it.  I’m never gonna grow up!  to be a responsible adult, i need to shake my sillies out!

8.  Family is Priority 1- I have always put loved ones first and been very thankful for family.  I was lucky enough to be reminded of how awesome the bonds of family can be.  In preparation for my big move-out i rented a truck and planned a trip to IKEA.  I needed 2 couches, 2 beds, 2 mattresses, a TV stand and an end table.  I called my Uncle Danny and Cousin Kenny and they were willing to help.  it was epic.  we were a mess and a half trying to collect the stuff from the self service bins but we laughed the entire time.  we got to the checkout and i was told they don’t accept checks.  I didn’t have a credit card to use and Uncle Dan didn’t have his wallet so we called my Aunt Jane who swooped in and saved the day- in the process we realized we had 4 couches and no mattresses- we finally got everything paid for and out to my new place and i was so very grateful for the help.  there is no way i could have gotten it done (or had so much fun doing it) had it not been for the help (and love) of family!

7. The power of Sobriety- I met up with an old friend I used to party pretty hard with.  He has always been someone I've admired.  He has found sobriety and works out all the time.  I was so inspired by his strength and his positive attitude I decided to see if i could go all summer without drinking.  I admit i had a few binges but for the most part it was a sober summer and i realized i don’t really enjoy drinking all that much.  I make poor choices when i drink and the hangovers keep getting worse.  I was able to focus on my health and wellness and make choices that affected me positively and made a difference in my life.  Thank you Danny for inspiring me and for challenging me with your strength and wisdom.  Your friendship is a gift!

6. who me? run?  you’re kidding right?-  In March a friend asked me to do the Couch-to-5k with her.  I was hesitant to do it but wanted to support her in her health goals so I agreed.  I played soccer and can chase the ball all day but i have always hated running.  we began the program doing our intervals and in July i ran my first 5k.  I’m now addicted to running and am looking forward to running the Dexter-Ann Arbor half in June.  if you would have told me last January that I'd be looking forward to running 13 miles i would have laughed at you.  

5. Hula Hula-  working at Curves we were always screwing around on the circuit.  a friend brought in a Hula Hoop one evening and we had so much fun it became a theme for the summer.  I went a little overboard.  my brother has a friend who hoop dances and makes her own hoops and i decided that i wanted to learn how.  I began making my own hoops and selling them.  I hooped constantly at work.  it motivated and inspired the members and was the cause of a lot of laughter!  By the end of the summer- with the hooping, running and the end of the drinking I was 12.5 pounds lighter and 4 inches smaller in the middle!!!  I was back in my Bikini for the first time in 6 years!!!  I haven’t felt this great in ages!  

4. Money, Money, Money-  all this positive energy had been swirling around me all summer and I began to feel the pull of my 2 year cycle.  I have had major changes every 2 years for the last 10 and 2 years ago I had divorced and moved in with my folks.  I didn’t know if it was the chicken or the egg but i knew something big was coming my way.  In August i was invited back to UofM to temp in the department I had worked in last year.  I was hired full-time in September and life has been better than ever!

3.  Home Sweet Home-  After getting the job, and having saved all the child support and lots of cash for the 2 years being at home with the folks i started house hunting.  I spoke with a friend from high school about how to get the ball rolling.  I didn’t have enough current credit and the commute with the boys was getting old.  I wasn’t able to work out like i had been to manage my stress, the lack of endorphins was starting to get me down and I was extremely frustrated.  I remembered that a friend had lived in a decent town house way back when so i looked them up online and they were exactly what we needed.  I could afford them and they turned out to be where my best friend’s good friend worked.  we moved back to Ann Arbor in November and have been finding our groove as a family on our own.  it’s such a blessing to have my own kitchen and to feel at peace in my own home.  I am blessed.

2. New Chapter-  Having babies was the hardest transition I've been through in my life.  I had trouble balancing who i was as a mother with who i was as a woman.  It stressed our marriage and my sanity- to the point that we were all toxic because of it.  I kept telling Whip that when the boys went to school I would work full-time or go back to school and that things would get better.  The marriage fell apart long before school started. Both boys started school this August and although i miss them terribly during the day it’s awesome to see them growing and learning and making new friends.  This chapter is really all i had hoped it would be and I’m sorry that we weren’t able to get there as a united family but glad that we are all happy and healthy.  we are still some of the lucky!  it may not be perfect but it’s still beautiful!

1. Ink-  "A great tattoo is a statement, not a style. And getting it is a journey, not a destination." ~Vince Hemingson   I couldn’t agree more!  My tattoo was a happy accident that turned out to be an epic experience and the highlight of the most amazing year!  I was sitting with an old friend talking about the tattoo he wanted when i remembered that another friend knew an artist.  I texted her to get the guy’s contact info and the next thing i knew us girls were planning a trip to the tattoo shop.  I remember clearly the first time i spoke with him on the phone- i had a vague idea of what i wanted but I'm no artist so I described as best i could and he said he’d do the sketch. The next time we spoke he told me that what i wanted wasn’t working so he suggested a small change and sent the sketch over.  I liked it but wasn’t sold on it as a tattoo.  I ended up changing my mind last minute and deciding to go a different route.  I was sure i had pissed him off and ruined the experience.  We went to the shop and Christina got her new ink and I got my old one touched up.  Jay was still willing to work with me on the design of my Buddha so over the next few weeks we agreed on the sketch and scheduled the first session for the Saturday before Easter.  It took 2 sessions to complete.  In the process there were some great moments and I wouldn’t change a thing!  I love my Buddha!  Thanks Jay for the experience, the memories and the laughs!  I’m looking forward to getting my next one from ya!  :)  
Happy New Year y’all- may 2011 be full of blessings for you all!