believe in me

knowing what i want and knowing what i need- not able to force them into harmony- believing in the possibilities and hoping for the necessities.  the fantasies beat me up at night, keeping reality out of sight and making it feel like I'm living a waking dream- a high school crush over the hill and six feet down to the tips of the toes i would have liked to dance with... how to find the missing piece when it's your own heart you're searching for... how to find the rhythm of the drum when it's the pace of the blood flowing in your veins... how to find the peace when you create chaos in your wake?  take a step back, raise your spirit as high as you can and allow yourself to feel these contradictions... find the line between them and balance your being delicately between them- feel the freedom of knowing that you're a mess and owning it and celebrating it- find forgiveness and rest easy knowing that it sets you free- regrets rot and nothing comes from them... i would have told you how much you meant and what you did for my ego- i would have thanked you for breathing a bit of life back into me just by telling me how you remembered me and reminding me that girl was still inside me somewhere- thank you for that night in the dark, the cape and the drama... the expanse of the crowd and the bass throbbing thru my soul... thank you for the attention and the surprise.  and thank you for this lesson of not holding back, the reminder of how fragile life is and how fast time moves... we don't know how many hours are on the clock and need to use them all!  with that in mind i turn to You and tell you that I'm bummed about timing- there is a magnetism and a fire that i can't deny but know that i should... there is an undeniable attraction that i fear will lead me to devastation and heart break.  there is a mountain of madness fighting against me and my mind tells me to run away but I'm locked in your gravitational pull- confusion is the lead emotion despite seeing so clearly- lead me if you can into deliverance and reprieve... instead of into the abyss of longing and heartache.  i know it's too much to ask... and i hate myself for being in this vulnerable place but i can't help how i feel or what i want or where your path has led you.  I see Dali's Persistence of Memory in a whole new light and i will put up a fight- not for you~ but for ME and a little piece of sanity!


listening to "Epiphany" radio on Pandora