believe in me

knowing what i want and knowing what i need- not able to force them into harmony- believing in the possibilities and hoping for the necessities.  the fantasies beat me up at night, keeping reality out of sight and making it feel like I'm living a waking dream- a high school crush over the hill and six feet down to the tips of the toes i would have liked to dance with... how to find the missing piece when it's your own heart you're searching for... how to find the rhythm of the drum when it's the pace of the blood flowing in your veins... how to find the peace when you create chaos in your wake?  take a step back, raise your spirit as high as you can and allow yourself to feel these contradictions... find the line between them and balance your being delicately between them- feel the freedom of knowing that you're a mess and owning it and celebrating it- find forgiveness and rest easy knowing that it sets you free- regrets rot and nothing comes from them... i would have told you how much you meant and what you did for my ego- i would have thanked you for breathing a bit of life back into me just by telling me how you remembered me and reminding me that girl was still inside me somewhere- thank you for that night in the dark, the cape and the drama... the expanse of the crowd and the bass throbbing thru my soul... thank you for the attention and the surprise.  and thank you for this lesson of not holding back, the reminder of how fragile life is and how fast time moves... we don't know how many hours are on the clock and need to use them all!  with that in mind i turn to You and tell you that I'm bummed about timing- there is a magnetism and a fire that i can't deny but know that i should... there is an undeniable attraction that i fear will lead me to devastation and heart break.  there is a mountain of madness fighting against me and my mind tells me to run away but I'm locked in your gravitational pull- confusion is the lead emotion despite seeing so clearly- lead me if you can into deliverance and reprieve... instead of into the abyss of longing and heartache.  i know it's too much to ask... and i hate myself for being in this vulnerable place but i can't help how i feel or what i want or where your path has led you.  I see Dali's Persistence of Memory in a whole new light and i will put up a fight- not for you~ but for ME and a little piece of sanity!


listening to "Epiphany" radio on Pandora

breathe

lungs were built to be filled, to expand and contract with the tide of emotion felt during the day- when stress finds us it lives in the bottom of the lungs keeping your breath short and unsatisfying. it blocks peace from finding your soul and every effort should be made to push past it and breathe deeply. the very pit of your lungs is where your fibers begin to ache and your hurt begins to expand- where your happy begins to fade. stand tall, be strong and breathe deeply of all the blessings in your life and the festering stress will be depleted returning you to health. your muscles will feel solid again and your being whole- the blood will flow uninterrupted thru your viens and your life-giving heart. With every heart beat and deep breath a new wave of peace will wash over you making you one with the universe, connected to nature and in rhythm with the harmonies of life. ~Just Breathe~

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went wrong...

my heart is overwhelmed with emotion leaving me uncomfortably numb... choking on perspective and heavy w/sadness, I cry but the tears wash away nothing and help little- broken for your loss and struggle, feeling the chaos of choices he made, anger at the selfishness and hurt for the broken dream. Hope in the bright blue eyes that see the future so clearly- balance in the thought of a delicate slow dance, toes tickled in shag carpet, the glow of candle light on soft cheeks, the innocence of days gone by.  when the gray clouds roll in and the thunder breaks open the heavens and the sorrow of today pelts the sidewalk in drops of sadness, I will think of you- I will think of what was, of the things that should have been- I will remember the smiles and the laughs and the gentle touches and I will mourn for you-  I will celebrate the lighting strikes as a healing suture to this broken world I see- I will dance in the driving rains and relish the mud between my toes as the new life that will spring from it will beat in my heart and days will go on- the sun will shine again and life will be joyous- always with a weight that will be worn heavily in the way that he is missed and the way that he left- on each new chapter there will be this mark,  life is now tainted and some days will be harder than others.  the struggles we can't imagine will lay on your welcome mat to greet the day and only the strongest will sweep them away with ease.  you will always be the song in my head, the breeze on my skin on a warm summers day and the dream hiding beneath my pillow.  you will be the moment between breaths and the space between thoughts- you will be the presence that is always absent and eternally missed, you will be the anger in my voice when i shout out loud and the love in my heart when I smile at a stranger.  you will always be my meant to be that went wrong...

definitions

I am not defined by anything stationary- my definition is mutable, transitory, fluid- I am a collection of moments, memories and love- I am NOT a position, title or job, I am NOT a paycheck, or a projection of your fears and experiences; altho I recognize that is how people relate and connect in most contexts- I am not a success story tho I've had successes and I'm not a failure tho I've failed a time or two- I'm more! I'm a collection of stories, of words, of rhythms and rhymes and good times and bad- I'm a soft, silky body with an athletes attitude and a survivors spirit!  I'm a series of beautiful contradictions that confuse and delight.  I need my fix of these little moments that drive me insane and make me lose control to keep me sane and to keep life from getting too mundane.  I crave affection and protection, to be taken care of while being fiercely independent.  a little girl who loves her daddy and fights him on every point- a loving mommy that knows how to be a woman when appropriate and won't back down from a challenge.  i'm difficult and turbulent but silly and loving- I'm original and unique- I'm a beautiful monster and might just bite if you aren't polite and forget your manners.  I am what i am and i'm proud to be- i'm proud of my fuzzy lines and insecurities, of my strength and my courage when i find it at the bottom of the pit in my gut.  I'm proud of my convictions even when absurd.  I'm proud that my mind is open and that my life is complicated- I'm proud that my will is strong and that I am humble and that the world is mine to explore and shape and mold to make it how i like.  I stand where i stand and I'm good with it- know me- share with me- love me if you dare but do not judge and do not frown in my presence and do not define me by the things that you see because that won't do me any justice at all- just let me BE and stand beside me on this journey. 

can't help...

having so much to say and no words to express- having so much in my head and none of it makes sense.  having a heart full of goo that leads to distress- why do things get complicated- why do they go wrong?  I remember a time when my feelings were mine and they came from my heart and nothing could come between us or tear us apart and then there we were in two different places and times and distances wondering how my thoughts became so loud and influenced by the words falling out of other's mouths.  verbal vomit leaves sticky messes and i'm tired of the stench that lingers in the air after the fair.  thinking too much leads me to feel like drinking but i gave that shit up at the attempt to get back inside my skin- to connect with the soft tissues that make me ME.  falling in spirals that leave beautiful patterns in the sand.  wanting to re-live the glory days when i was the star of my own show- the one in the middle of the chaos that was sure in her ways, her body, her moves and the stares of the crowd on the sidelines that wouldn't join her on the dance floor.  a time when life was easy and things were clear- the horizon was laid out in front of us and we knew the only goal was getting to the next party where it was all about getting down and dirty in the middle of Detroit city- finding ruins off the beaten path that hosted our fun for the evening where we met fantastic people and danced till we couldn't hear- only feel- the beat that vibrated our being and forced movement from our feet.  plugging in and re-connecting- feeling like me again- listening to old tunes that still sing to my soul and the message is true- I can't help myself when it comes to you- got no self control- i never had control but this beat has me lost in thought s of you- eyes so blue and arms so strong- there's nothing i can do- i'm a puddle at your mercy and i can't wait- if i hold you put your arms around me too- tonight my wish will come true- in the shadows i'll perch atop a speaker box pounding bass that leaves me happy. crazy dreams give birth to new ideas and the creative juices flow.  

Listening to: I Can't Help Myself (sunfreakz remix) by Bellatrax

Sunkissed

Sunkissed heat on skin golden brown- green eyes beneath an orange umbrella- hot pink toes dig in sand and icy blue waves lick the shore methodically. Black bikini leaves little to the imagination winning attention from passers-by. The sky is clear with rolling white clouds and the shadows roll out from under lounges as the afternoon drips away- staying cool with splashes- batting long lashes- nothin sweeter than summertime!

Raindrop fantasies

Back at the beach again revisiting my past- rain drops pelt the nylon of my sanity. Its soothing and stimulating at the same time- I'm finding more often I want you for mine- I'd love to have you under the rain drops on the tent, your body keeping me warm- your touch giving me goose bumps, your stare giving me the daring to move in ways I'm not sure I'm ready for- to be one with our primal nature- to lose what we are coming from and to not care where we go next- to be focused on these two bodies connecting and writhing and wringing pleasure from each and every pore- letting it drip like the sweat of a passion intensely played. Before the knowing gods of the natives that dance to drum beats to cure ills of the demons haunting my mind. This ecstasy I find has been better than any drug- its a high finished on a note so fine that staying with you consumes me like the fire of memory- the chills and shivers- the rough and the tender- the constant surprises that leave me shaky on my feet when we're thru- I want you- simple- true- elegant in its blunt honesty and scary in how easy it falls from my lips- how easy you fit between hips- how easy it is to be ME when I'm with YOU- how badly I find my thoughts straying to thoughts I can't host- thoughts that are hanging firm while most others have deserted- thoughts interrupted....


(Written 6/10/10)

and then what...

feeling lost and misplaced between two realities and lives- things get complicated in their simplicity and a bitterness seeps thru the voids where fun should be- knowing with my entire being that i'm meant for more but what and when are still mysteries hanging by stars caught on a fisherman's line- alone with you i'm a spectrum of emotions- happy and at peace with the ecstasy I've known- rolling in sheets soft and comforting as your touch- stars twinkle in the night sky outside the window and we are a part of something bigger- there is a loneliness here between us- a shared isolation that keeps us from truly connecting- prejudice and stereotypes are not welcome here but eat at our minds like the zombies at the dollar horror show.  I remember a time when the suffering was bearable and the background noise so low I could actually hear my own thoughts.  i knew myself then- had a definition of being, of attitude, of state of mind- had a clear vision of the world and how it fit me- I've been beat up- left for dead- broken and blue- left hunting in the woods for ME- for the ghost of days gone by in the cells dividing in my skin today- wanting so much- knowing only how to play- hoping tomorrow I can be better than in this moment....

(listening to Deadmau5 Random Album Title )

meditations

in this moment i am happy and closer to my deity than i have ever been.  I feel it beating in my heart and soaring thru my spirit- i feel it whispering in the wind against my skin and surrounding my soul in a protective, loving embrace that allows me freedom i've never before felt.  the pieces fall together in an order my mind can't conceive but i am resolved to go with the flow.  i'm in an aqueous transmission and enjoying the rhythm of the waves of emotion that surface on my shore- I'm in a calm that is only equaled by the planets circling their orbits as days pass to months pass to years pass to eons immeasurable- I'm steady and understated in my circumstances and happenstances- I'm  a sunset bursting with passion and sparkling across the water of my past that has molded me and placed me above the horizon to set at dusk allowing me to rise as a new dawn- I'm the breeze in the top of the trees that sings your name- I'm the moment between each breath, the silence between thoughts, the awareness of the empty space in the corner of your mind- I'm Love- the path is not always the path you seek but the path that presents itself beneath your feet- step carefully and go lightly and may you find what you are looking for.

(listening to Incubus, Morning View)

time travel

I hear those sounds and I'm home- it's a feeling, a memory, a state of mind- time travel, don't get left behind.  Let me love you to death if i'm good enough for you- let me know how you feel and how you think and where i fit in your deep blue soul- tell me how to make it all fit right and lets sit tight- see what comes of it... where from here and what to now?  the jukebox needs more quarters and my pockets are full of lint- why doesn't this kid get the hint?  it's  a mystery as i lay here shivering from the cold, the anticipation of  a hand to hold, don't be too bold- play your cards  just right- what is happening here tonight.... everytime sings in my mind and thru the speakers it pounds in my head and in my heart  and I see that things are about to bust apart- it's never all that it seems but that don't mean a thing when you're watching the rainbows in a moon beam.  life is swirling and effervescent, all we got is what he have right now- the only time that matters is this moment- the only thing that will be is written in the horizon if you can reach it to read it then hand it out as fortunes at the fair.  emotions lay thick in the air and summer is steeped in sexy and skin- boilin in the sun at the waters edge what comes closer to perfection than this?  


listening to Everytime by Jono Fernandez

Coffee breath

I smell your coffee and cigarettes and it makes my teeth feel stained- it permeates the surrounding air infecting the freshness with thoughts of the past and days gone by- why then, this smell, today, here and now, place thoughts like these in my mind? Why is it never truly over even when its been over for almost a decade? It was over before it ever began- whisper in my ear and ask me to hold your hand- be brave knowing that I'm right here- I will never leave- I'm not capable of the hurt that comes with the separation from your soul- I'll suffer it thru and do what I have to do to find a way to be me~
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