definitions

I am not defined by anything stationary- my definition is mutable, transitory, fluid- I am a collection of moments, memories and love- I am NOT a position, title or job, I am NOT a paycheck, or a projection of your fears and experiences; altho I recognize that is how people relate and connect in most contexts- I am not a success story tho I've had successes and I'm not a failure tho I've failed a time or two- I'm more! I'm a collection of stories, of words, of rhythms and rhymes and good times and bad- I'm a soft, silky body with an athletes attitude and a survivors spirit!  I'm a series of beautiful contradictions that confuse and delight.  I need my fix of these little moments that drive me insane and make me lose control to keep me sane and to keep life from getting too mundane.  I crave affection and protection, to be taken care of while being fiercely independent.  a little girl who loves her daddy and fights him on every point- a loving mommy that knows how to be a woman when appropriate and won't back down from a challenge.  i'm difficult and turbulent but silly and loving- I'm original and unique- I'm a beautiful monster and might just bite if you aren't polite and forget your manners.  I am what i am and i'm proud to be- i'm proud of my fuzzy lines and insecurities, of my strength and my courage when i find it at the bottom of the pit in my gut.  I'm proud of my convictions even when absurd.  I'm proud that my mind is open and that my life is complicated- I'm proud that my will is strong and that I am humble and that the world is mine to explore and shape and mold to make it how i like.  I stand where i stand and I'm good with it- know me- share with me- love me if you dare but do not judge and do not frown in my presence and do not define me by the things that you see because that won't do me any justice at all- just let me BE and stand beside me on this journey. 

can't help...

having so much to say and no words to express- having so much in my head and none of it makes sense.  having a heart full of goo that leads to distress- why do things get complicated- why do they go wrong?  I remember a time when my feelings were mine and they came from my heart and nothing could come between us or tear us apart and then there we were in two different places and times and distances wondering how my thoughts became so loud and influenced by the words falling out of other's mouths.  verbal vomit leaves sticky messes and i'm tired of the stench that lingers in the air after the fair.  thinking too much leads me to feel like drinking but i gave that shit up at the attempt to get back inside my skin- to connect with the soft tissues that make me ME.  falling in spirals that leave beautiful patterns in the sand.  wanting to re-live the glory days when i was the star of my own show- the one in the middle of the chaos that was sure in her ways, her body, her moves and the stares of the crowd on the sidelines that wouldn't join her on the dance floor.  a time when life was easy and things were clear- the horizon was laid out in front of us and we knew the only goal was getting to the next party where it was all about getting down and dirty in the middle of Detroit city- finding ruins off the beaten path that hosted our fun for the evening where we met fantastic people and danced till we couldn't hear- only feel- the beat that vibrated our being and forced movement from our feet.  plugging in and re-connecting- feeling like me again- listening to old tunes that still sing to my soul and the message is true- I can't help myself when it comes to you- got no self control- i never had control but this beat has me lost in thought s of you- eyes so blue and arms so strong- there's nothing i can do- i'm a puddle at your mercy and i can't wait- if i hold you put your arms around me too- tonight my wish will come true- in the shadows i'll perch atop a speaker box pounding bass that leaves me happy. crazy dreams give birth to new ideas and the creative juices flow.  

Listening to: I Can't Help Myself (sunfreakz remix) by Bellatrax